i'm not sure what happened.

sometime in the last month or so, life changed.

i don't know if it was the fact that i'm realizing how lucky i am in my life - i have friends going thru divorces, unplanned job changes, fighting and beating cancer, all manner of trials and tribulations. and i realize i'm really happy. well, maybe not happy- cause that can be fleeting - to me happy is situational - i got a new lipgloss, i'm happy - but i have a calm joyfulness now.

i still go thru moments of the suck - but they are moments, and go quickly.

stacey ( mayhaps my wisest friend ever ) has helped me remember how much i have - not things, but in my spirit - and it's a beautiful spirit. i let others opinions and experiences and expectations cloud that for a while - and i had some ( and i learned this from a young age ) problems with taking it personally when people didn't meet my expextations for them. i was focused on what i thought was right for them more than what was/is right for me. i've really taken the concept of "not my sock" and applied it to my life ( more on that turn of phrase later )

my friend rob is on a physical journey of self discovery in europe as i type - and christ knows he and i have had serious issues over the years, but lately i have a policy of brutal honestly towards how i feel about him, and what concessions i'm willing to make or not make to have our friendship continue or have it wither on the vine.... this is part of our IM conversation yesterday


it is a good snapshot of where i am right now.

-

:)

11:38amMe

hi eeyore! how doing?

11:38amRob

I'm good :)

11:38amMe

yay!

11:39amRob

took a day trip to Pisa :)

saw the tower

11:39amMe

it doesn't suck to be rob does it?
.

11:40amRob

well... to be honest I am sore and missing people :(

but still enjoying it

miss you hug

11:41amMe

i like to think you are sore and miss just me. but - you do know other people!

11:42amRob

:)

I am starting to drink and think more now over here

11:43amMe

thinking and drinking often go together - but so do other 'ings - wear a condom. and what are you thinking mister?

11:44amRob

what I want to do with my life when I get home

11:44amMe

and what is that?

11:46amRob

I don't know.... I am chewing on it :)

so what are you up to?

11:48amMe

hum. i know you well enough - that you DO have ideas, but don't wanna "word" 'em yet. ...i am puttering around with musics and doing some housework this am - might go get a tattoo this afternoon, and girl's night w/ donna tonight. it do.not.suck.to be me

11:50amRob

I am chewing settling down... and if I can... and what they will mean for me

and if I want that to be in Atlanta or not

grad school or no grad school

working for myself full time or not

those things

im glad Donna has been so steady in your life

tell her I said hi even though she loathes me

11:52amMe

ah. decided who you wanna settle down with? and hasn't that something you've actually been considering for a while? i'm considering going back to school this fall - dunno if it will be for any degree, or just to keep my brain active - considering some poly sci classes. i think loathes is a little strong - a lot strong.

11:53amRob

well... I care about Saffron a lot.... but I need to be sure... figured the time away would tell me a lot

poly sci!

11:53amMe

wow. really? saffron. hum.

11:53amRob

you could then flirt with Maddow ;)

11:54amMe

honey, i'd make a MOST excellent middle of a maddow/oberman sammich

11:54amRob

I don't know... if I knew... I would say her for sure

but I dont

I think more school for you sounds fun!

11:55amMe

hum. i'm not sure how i feel about that - but it's really none of my bid-ness. you need to do what's gonna make you happy

11:55amRob

me either... and right now I am not going to stress over it... I have a lot to see here

answers will come when they should right?

11:57amMe

i think answers come, when we're really open to receiving them. without agenda or influence. ( god, i sound like a hippie lately ) but i find that i say i'm waiting on answers a lot - but i'm actually waiting for signs for the answer to agree with what i actually want

11:59amRob

that is rather enciteful :)

11:59amMe

i have my moments, i'm getting sagelike in my old age ( i refuse to sumbit to crone yet)

12:02pmRob

well in like 50 years with you reach 70 yrs old.... you will make a good crone

12:03pmMe

bwha. look here - i'ma be 40 is a few short days. and it's fantastic. i feel like a grown up who KNOWS herself. it's really liberating. i have had this kind of 'shift' in the last several months - and i'm so fucking good with who "i" am. it makes me frustrated that i never had a daughter, i'd love to help someone become who "they" are.

12:04pmRob

I love seeing you enpowered :)

it makes me smile!

12:06pmMe

i dunno what happened, i finally realized that 'i' was enough. and if some man never got that - it's really his loss and not mine. he's not ready - and i may never find one that it...and i can decide if that's what's gonna define my life - and for today i've decided it's not. i'd love to love and be loved back - but if that doesn't happen. it's not making 'me' any less.....god, fuckin' hippie :)

12:07pmRob

God damn I miss you

I wish I could hug you now

when i get back we need a night of grilling and booze

*******

i'm at the place where i really like who i am, i know who i am, and i am MORE than enough.

pretty fuckin' good stuff.