and here comes the sappy part.

i got a call last night from tasty - who issued mayhaps the best compliment of my lifetime, and because i'm cool under pressure ( or sweet words ) my response was something along the lines of "i'm not going to cry and you can't make me"

and of course then i cried.

i'm stupid amazing lucky with my life - and right now what's cooler is in this moment, i can appreciate it.

i've been thinking a lot about my life, choices make, and choices i let be made for me. i used to subscribe to the life is short, play hard, live each day like it's your very last one - and while that can be interesting - i at this point also find it quite selfish, see, i don't want today to be my last day - i plan on being around a LONG time, to become a burden in the nursing home ( which i'll share with the numbers ) and hassling the young staff.

i was watching rachel maddow's commencement speech at smith college ( shut up ) and she echoed some of this - and said it better than i could.

excerpt:

In the big picture, standing at the age 22-ish or 40-ish or 62-ish -- Ada Comstockers, right on -- standing at the age you are now at graduation, looking for your own deep-water horizon, consider the possibility that you might very well get old -- everybody hopes you do. Be part of good decisions because the stuff you do now you will want to be bragging about when you become 90.

How do you become part of good decisions in the absence of a crystal ball? The best way to guess what is going to work out in the future and to figure out what you'll be glad you played a role in is to get smart and get smart fast, to take the opportunities you've got very seriously, to continue your education not necessarily in a grad school way, but in a lifelong way, be intellectually and morally rigorous in your own decision-making and expect that the important people in your life do the same if they want to stay important to you.

Gunning not just for personal triumph for yourself, but for durable achievement to be proud of for life is the difference between winning things and leadership; it's the difference between nationalism and patriotism; it's the difference between running for office and devoting yourself to public service; it's agreeing that you're part of something; taking as your baseline that you will not seek to reach your own goals by stepping on your community; it means coming to terms that your country needs you, Smith Class of 2010.

There will come times in life and career ahead when you have to choose between integrity and more short-term temptations. You will be the press secretary who is asked to lie to the press; you will be the regulator asked to approve the drilling with the Mickey Mouse safety plan; you will be the artist commissioned to make what you suspect is propaganda; the engineer pressed to use the cheaper, unsafe welds; the job applicant asked to cross the picket line; the research scientist expected to round to the nearest publishable conclusion; the spouse tempted to cheat; the physician tempted to schill; the staff sergeant asked to keep quiet; the politician confronted with the focus group that proves how well appeals to racism poll in your district; the pundit offered the talking point; the procurement officer offered the kickback.

In the short term it's always crystal clear what advances you further, what makes you famous, what gets you your boss' job, what gets you elected, what gets you rich.

In the end, though, blood will out.

History has a way of not remembering that some of those Iraq War press secretaries had real talent in the White House press room; or that BP and Trans-Ocean had a real talent for drilling down to find oil deeper than anyone else.

When given the choice between fame and glory, take glory. Glory has a way of sneaking up on fame and stealing its lunch money later anyway.

Life might very well be long, keep your eye on the horizon and live in a way that you will be proud of. You will sleep more. You'll be a better partner. You'll be a better mom. You'll be a better friend. You'll be a better boss, and you will not have to remember any complicated lies to brag about at the old age home because you can brag about the truth of your well-lived life.

In conclusion, I'm not going to be egotistical enough to ask you to remember any of this advice. I might ask you, though, to remember Carry Nation. Carry Nation got what she wanted against the odds -- a product of her hard work -- it's not meant to be inspiring. It's meant to worry you. You are graduating from Smith College. You are well prepared. You are poised. You're well connected. You are wicked smart. You are already accomplished.

Do not for yourself today, but for yourself to be proud of at the end of your life. Do not for the fame, but for the glory – learn the difference. Do not just for your own life, but for the life of your nation, that is still, for all its challenges and its flaws, is in many ways the best hope on earth. A country that needs you and the best you have to offer and your best judgment.

Thank you for asking me to be here. Thank you for already having done the hard work that got you here, and please enjoy this moment. Be proud of yourself. We're all so very, very proud of you.

(insert giggle here, she said "wicked smart")

is it any wonder i'm starting to question things.

so 40, is around the corner. i've been excited for this age for a while now. great things are headed my way. i've heard the saying "luck is the residue of design and hard work" now, i heard that attributed to (i'm fucking) Matt Damon, i have no idea if the original words are his - but i feel like a lifetime of hard work and design are coming into fruition, and suck, it do not.

today is another day to choose glory.

and it's another day where i woke up without cancer, without witnessing terrible accidents, without being inside a manatee, and with a pant load of friends who love me. it doesn't suck to be me. make choosing glory an easy choice for today.