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Thursday, May 20, 2010

and here comes the sappy part.

i got a call last night from tasty - who issued mayhaps the best compliment of my lifetime, and because i'm cool under pressure ( or sweet words ) my response was something along the lines of "i'm not going to cry and you can't make me"

and of course then i cried.

i'm stupid amazing lucky with my life - and right now what's cooler is in this moment, i can appreciate it.

i've been thinking a lot about my life, choices make, and choices i let be made for me. i used to subscribe to the life is short, play hard, live each day like it's your very last one - and while that can be interesting - i at this point also find it quite selfish, see, i don't want today to be my last day - i plan on being around a LONG time, to become a burden in the nursing home ( which i'll share with the numbers ) and hassling the young staff.

i was watching rachel maddow's commencement speech at smith college ( shut up ) and she echoed some of this - and said it better than i could.

excerpt:

In the big picture, standing at the age 22-ish or 40-ish or 62-ish -- Ada Comstockers, right on -- standing at the age you are now at graduation, looking for your own deep-water horizon, consider the possibility that you might very well get old -- everybody hopes you do. Be part of good decisions because the stuff you do now you will want to be bragging about when you become 90.

How do you become part of good decisions in the absence of a crystal ball? The best way to guess what is going to work out in the future and to figure out what you'll be glad you played a role in is to get smart and get smart fast, to take the opportunities you've got very seriously, to continue your education not necessarily in a grad school way, but in a lifelong way, be intellectually and morally rigorous in your own decision-making and expect that the important people in your life do the same if they want to stay important to you.

Gunning not just for personal triumph for yourself, but for durable achievement to be proud of for life is the difference between winning things and leadership; it's the difference between nationalism and patriotism; it's the difference between running for office and devoting yourself to public service; it's agreeing that you're part of something; taking as your baseline that you will not seek to reach your own goals by stepping on your community; it means coming to terms that your country needs you, Smith Class of 2010.

There will come times in life and career ahead when you have to choose between integrity and more short-term temptations. You will be the press secretary who is asked to lie to the press; you will be the regulator asked to approve the drilling with the Mickey Mouse safety plan; you will be the artist commissioned to make what you suspect is propaganda; the engineer pressed to use the cheaper, unsafe welds; the job applicant asked to cross the picket line; the research scientist expected to round to the nearest publishable conclusion; the spouse tempted to cheat; the physician tempted to schill; the staff sergeant asked to keep quiet; the politician confronted with the focus group that proves how well appeals to racism poll in your district; the pundit offered the talking point; the procurement officer offered the kickback.

In the short term it's always crystal clear what advances you further, what makes you famous, what gets you your boss' job, what gets you elected, what gets you rich.

In the end, though, blood will out.

History has a way of not remembering that some of those Iraq War press secretaries had real talent in the White House press room; or that BP and Trans-Ocean had a real talent for drilling down to find oil deeper than anyone else.

When given the choice between fame and glory, take glory. Glory has a way of sneaking up on fame and stealing its lunch money later anyway.

Life might very well be long, keep your eye on the horizon and live in a way that you will be proud of. You will sleep more. You'll be a better partner. You'll be a better mom. You'll be a better friend. You'll be a better boss, and you will not have to remember any complicated lies to brag about at the old age home because you can brag about the truth of your well-lived life.

In conclusion, I'm not going to be egotistical enough to ask you to remember any of this advice. I might ask you, though, to remember Carry Nation. Carry Nation got what she wanted against the odds -- a product of her hard work -- it's not meant to be inspiring. It's meant to worry you. You are graduating from Smith College. You are well prepared. You are poised. You're well connected. You are wicked smart. You are already accomplished.

Do not for yourself today, but for yourself to be proud of at the end of your life. Do not for the fame, but for the glory – learn the difference. Do not just for your own life, but for the life of your nation, that is still, for all its challenges and its flaws, is in many ways the best hope on earth. A country that needs you and the best you have to offer and your best judgment.

Thank you for asking me to be here. Thank you for already having done the hard work that got you here, and please enjoy this moment. Be proud of yourself. We're all so very, very proud of you.


(insert giggle here, she said "wicked smart")


is it any wonder i'm starting to question things.

so 40, is around the corner. i've been excited for this age for a while now. great things are headed my way. i've heard the saying "luck is the residue of design and hard work" now, i heard that attributed to (i'm fucking) Matt Damon, i have no idea if the original words are his - but i feel like a lifetime of hard work and design are coming into fruition, and suck, it do not.

today is another day to choose glory.


and it's another day where i woke up without cancer, without witnessing terrible accidents, without being inside a manatee, and with a pant load of friends who love me. it doesn't suck to be me. make choosing glory an easy choice for today.



Wednesday, May 19, 2010

...than the hammered down hinges of hell

as in "hot as the hammered down hinges of hell"

hi, i'm allison - and i HATE BEING HOT.

not hawt, cause i can't fight what nature gave me. but hot - as in why is it so fucking hot in here - insert nelly reference "here".

it's georgia, it's may, and it's hot. this is not a suprise, in fact i'm pretty sure that if you read other blog incarntions, about this time every year - i'm bitching about the hot.


but blah blah blah. my birthday is coming up soon, my girls will be here, i have magic shell in the house, today is the anniversary of when i got mike the wonderdog.

that's a shit ton to be grateful for.

and i am.

( frekin' hippie)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

head ow.

it's like a headache, but different.

happens when you change/go off anti-depressants.

due to a MAJOR paperwork fuckup, i am without insurance.

and while the motto i created for cymbalta is correct ( cymbalta, this shit works ) - it's also some crazy-ass ( no pun intended ) expensive shit that i can no long afford.

i've applied for assistance from lily - and gotten samples from my primary dr - but lily hasn't contacted me yet - and the samples from the doc are exhausted ( and so am i )

i am on 2 other meds - and the 'scrips ran out - and to get more, i'm having to cough up the cash to go the dr - which i'm doing on thursday.

let's hope this means that the headaches are on their way out.

cause damn.

really damn.

Monday, May 17, 2010

hum.

so i was watching oprah - which i promise, i almost NEVER do. ( i don't think she is the deity that many of my fellow americans do ) but i was watching today because will smith was on.

and yes, i still think he's a hottie - he's funny and has big juicy lips - 2 of my major requirements.


anyhow - he was saying how he has "business plans" for himself and his family. he said ( or maybe it was jada ) how important it was for goal setting - and how can you progress in your life if you don't have goals?

i think i'm going to start working on one of these for my life. lately things seem to be going really well, but i wonder if i made a concerted effort, and set my intentions down - if it couldn't be even better??????

i'm not sure what happened.

sometime in the last month or so, life changed.

i don't know if it was the fact that i'm realizing how lucky i am in my life - i have friends going thru divorces, unplanned job changes, fighting and beating cancer, all manner of trials and tribulations. and i realize i'm really happy. well, maybe not happy- cause that can be fleeting - to me happy is situational - i got a new lipgloss, i'm happy - but i have a calm joyfulness now.

i still go thru moments of the suck - but they are moments, and go quickly.

stacey ( mayhaps my wisest friend ever ) has helped me remember how much i have - not things, but in my spirit - and it's a beautiful spirit. i let others opinions and experiences and expectations cloud that for a while - and i had some ( and i learned this from a young age ) problems with taking it personally when people didn't meet my expextations for them. i was focused on what i thought was right for them more than what was/is right for me. i've really taken the concept of "not my sock" and applied it to my life ( more on that turn of phrase later )

my friend rob is on a physical journey of self discovery in europe as i type - and christ knows he and i have had serious issues over the years, but lately i have a policy of brutal honestly towards how i feel about him, and what concessions i'm willing to make or not make to have our friendship continue or have it wither on the vine.... this is part of our IM conversation yesterday


it is a good snapshot of where i am right now.

-

:):)

11:38amMe

hi eeyore! how doing?

11:38amRob

I'm good :):)

11:38amMe

yay!

11:39amRob

took a day trip to Pisa :):)

saw the tower

11:39amMe

it doesn't suck to be rob does it?
.

11:40amRob

well... to be honest I am sore and missing people :(:(

but still enjoying it

miss you hug

11:41amMe

i like to think you are sore and miss just me. but - you do know other people!

11:42amRob

:):)

I am starting to drink and think more now over here

11:43amMe

thinking and drinking often go together - but so do other 'ings - wear a condom. and what are you thinking mister?

11:44amRob

what I want to do with my life when I get home

11:44amMe

and what is that?

11:46amRob

I don't know.... I am chewing on it :):)

so what are you up to?

11:48amMe

hum. i know you well enough - that you DO have ideas, but don't wanna "word" 'em yet. ...i am puttering around with musics and doing some housework this am - might go get a tattoo this afternoon, and girl's night w/ donna tonight. it do.not.suck.to be me

11:50amRob

I am chewing settling down... and if I can... and what they will mean for me

and if I want that to be in Atlanta or not

grad school or no grad school

working for myself full time or not

those things

im glad Donna has been so steady in your life

tell her I said hi even though she loathes me

11:52amMe

ah. decided who you wanna settle down with? and hasn't that something you've actually been considering for a while? i'm considering going back to school this fall - dunno if it will be for any degree, or just to keep my brain active - considering some poly sci classes. i think loathes is a little strong - a lot strong.

11:53amRob

well... I care about Saffron a lot.... but I need to be sure... figured the time away would tell me a lot

poly sci!

11:53amMe

wow. really? saffron. hum.

11:53amRob

you could then flirt with Maddow ;);)

11:54amMe

honey, i'd make a MOST excellent middle of a maddow/oberman sammich

11:54amRob

I don't know... if I knew... I would say her for sure

but I dont

I think more school for you sounds fun!

11:55amMe

hum. i'm not sure how i feel about that - but it's really none of my bid-ness. you need to do what's gonna make you happy

11:55amRob

me either... and right now I am not going to stress over it... I have a lot to see here

answers will come when they should right?

11:57amMe

i think answers come, when we're really open to receiving them. without agenda or influence. ( god, i sound like a hippie lately ) but i find that i say i'm waiting on answers a lot - but i'm actually waiting for signs for the answer to agree with what i actually want

11:59amRob

that is rather enciteful :):)

11:59amMe

i have my moments, i'm getting sagelike in my old age ( i refuse to sumbit to crone yet)

12:02pmRob

well in like 50 years with you reach 70 yrs old.... you will make a good crone

12:03pmMe

bwha. look here - i'ma be 40 is a few short days. and it's fantastic. i feel like a grown up who KNOWS herself. it's really liberating. i have had this kind of 'shift' in the last several months - and i'm so fucking good with who "i" am. it makes me frustrated that i never had a daughter, i'd love to help someone become who "they" are.

12:04pmRob

I love seeing you enpowered :):)

it makes me smile!

12:06pmMe

i dunno what happened, i finally realized that 'i' was enough. and if some man never got that - it's really his loss and not mine. he's not ready - and i may never find one that it...and i can decide if that's what's gonna define my life - and for today i've decided it's not. i'd love to love and be loved back - but if that doesn't happen. it's not making 'me' any less.....god, fuckin' hippie :):)

12:07pmRob

God damn I miss you

I wish I could hug you now

when i get back we need a night of grilling and booze




*******


i'm at the place where i really like who i am, i know who i am, and i am MORE than enough.


pretty fuckin' good stuff.



Wednesday, May 12, 2010

another one..

i know!

so i just got off the phone with an old friend that i don't talk to enough anymore. and that is horseshit ( which is like bullshit, with an upgrade ). i don't understand how i can let that happen, but i love that when time passes, we can pick back up without skipping a beat...and i do take some comfort in that - safe travels tiny one - i love you and your huge knob.

so in just a few days i turn 40. and guess what? i'm all afuckinbout it - 30 freaked me out and i was not all that pleased to see that number - 40? i can't wait. i feel like i finally KNOW who i am, what i like, what i don't, what i'll put up with, and won't. what's important - and what can be cast aside.

and it's some empowering shit.

i still wonder "i wonder what (whoever) thinks about ( me, the situation, my decision, whatever ) but it's not a deciding factor.

i hate that i waited until i was 40 to come to this - but thrilled that i got it at all.

so i guess it's natural to be in a sorta reflective place- and the good reflective place - not the one full of self doubt and hatred. and it's fair to say i'm in it. kinda rolling around and marking my territory with it -and it's great.

so, with that - i'm beginning my 39th year in review.

so in my 39th year,

1.i continued working in a career i LOVE. if you're not doing what you love for your work right now...start making steps to change that. life is short - like really REALLY fuckin' short - and goes by fast - if you're having fun or not - so have some frekin' fun.
2.i got ok with a word, that contrary to popular belief, i'm not good at. the magical word 'no' without using qualifiers, rationalizing, or apologies. just as easy to say as yes, and really much for effective.
3. i showed up everyday
4. i had my heart broken - wait, not broken - bruised. i refuse to submit to broken
5. i told my friends i love them everyday - and they love me too. ( can't beat that )


and a gillion other things i'm sure.

my 40th year will have all these plus one MAJOR addition.

more sex.

much more sex.

seriously, more sex

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

it's 5 in the morning,,,do you know where your sleep is?

i used up all my sleep this afternoon.

and yes, shut up - this is another attempt at maintaining a blog.

i had one for years that was ( to me ) funny, sad, tender, mean - and occasionally included a recipe or two.

then somehow i got away from the whole blog thing - and the other day stacey said "i was writing on my blog" and i thought - huh, blog writing - i remember that used to be good. so what the hell - let's try it.

and here we go - incarnation 35.339 of cocktails and smokes - but i'ma give it a try again.

promise.